Epic
by Seraph of Winters Past
Summary: The Dead Gods are returning. Chapters one and two removed for editing.
1. Chapter Zero

So we come again to another relaunching of Epic. This would be the third iteration, and I hope it's the last. I relaunched it the first time because the original was a shoddy work at best, and it took a really nasty flame for me to realize it. The second iteration started out awesome, but I started stealing ideas from it to go into a set of books I eventually want to write, and I took so much away from it that it died. I hope to finish this third iteration, and in contrast to the first and second iterations, I actually know how to write, and I'm not stealing from this story to write another story as I am using those stories to add depth to this one.

Did you understand a word of that?

Ok… long story short; I have every intention of finishing this, and I know what I'm doing. This prologue chapter is written in a sort of high-and-mighty manner because I want it to sound like something out of mythology, and all the chapters after this except for the epilogue will be in a more normal style of writing.

With that, I give you…

**:: Epic :: **

by

**_Seraph of Winters Past_**

* * *

**Chapter Zero**

**:: The Beginning ::**

It is a time before time, before the Sun and the Moon and the stars in Heaven. The Chaotic Forces have finally wrested control from the stagnant Orderly Powers and begun the new world in the image of Chaos. With this new age comes a new era, a shifting in the balance of the cosmos, for each era comes from the swinging of the cosmic scales from one side to another. Albion has triumphed over Avalon after many, many ages.

The six worlds that had been hurled together by the Six Avalons to protect against the wrath of the Great Spirit have been cracked apart and made into Four, escaping the singularity of Order which it now exploited. To complete the act and disband the threat of the Canon Gods of Order in their Avalons, The Laughing God of Chaos – the last and greatest of the Apocryphal Gods – did battle with them and triumphed where the Canon Gods of Chaos could not. He drove the Chaotic Sword through their hearts and shattered their souls, scattering their spirits to the winds in the ultimate blow to Order.

Some mistook him for a muse and others for a human. Those who truly know him call him Pénä, but he only calls himself the Laughing God of Chaos. He sometimes walks amongst the far places of the world as a patron of bards and jesters, disguising himself as one in his travels. Woe to he who would trespass against one of his favored people. As a Chaotic God, this humanly guise never lasts long. His true form is always shrouded in darkness when he resumes it, but the shadows laugh with him and that is the only thing which any agree on when describing the Laughing God of Chaos.

The Sun and the Moon and the Stars are in heaven and the waters have been drawn up to reveal dry land on Earth and Makai, and spirits now inhabit the worlds of torment and rapture and life walks on the Earth and Makai. Time has resumed again. The Laughing God of Chaos halted his laughter for the first time in five ages. Something sparkled in the sunlight as it passed behind the dark side of the Moon. He raced up a path of moonbeams and reached the moon. Once again he saw that which caught his eye. It had no definite shape or volume; it was like a broken mirror with a captive image locked inside. It flew around the moon towards the daylight and towards the Earth when it sensed him, but The Laughing God of Chaos caught it before it had gone far. He held it in his hand and tried to make sense of it.

An image from the mirror shard passed through his mind. He saw in that image a chandelier amongst a multitude of other chandeliers at the top of the world, with each arm holding a star. The world was an eternity below, and The Laughing God of Chaos knew it to be one of the Temples of Avalon. He knew this to be a memory; a part of one of the six Dead Gods he slew that had survived.

"Hah! Behold as I drive the Chaotic Sword into you once again and destroy you forever!" He shouted as he threw the memory into space. His sword came to his hand from an unspeakable place as impossible as the sword itself. So chaotic was the sword that it did not obey the laws of reality, and each segment of the sword was not attached to each other. The blade hovered above the hilt, and the pommel was a foot away from the butt of the hilt, and the cross-guard flew somewhere between the blade and the hit. He drove the sword through the memory in the next instant and it was gone.

This is why The Laughing God of Chaos did not laugh. He had destroyed the souls of the Canon Gods of Order who forced the worlds into singularity and so too did he think their memories were dead, and memories can be deadlier. Now this rogue memory had caught his eye, and when he turned his gaze to the Earth, he noticed a million more gleaming in the night, catching the light reflected off the Moon. He ran beyond the firmament bounding the four worlds to their places beneath Heaven and looked down on them from afar, and he saw many thousand thousands more embers in the dark.

Now do you notice how the Laughing God of Chaos cried out in rage? He now realized the devices of the enemy and how they would undo the effort of ages of strife.

The Laughing God of Chaos traveled to the stratum above the four worlds to the six Albions, home of the Canon Gods of Chaos, and told them of the coming menace. But the Canon Gods of Chaos and their servants feared the Laughing God of Chaos more than they feared the Dead Gods and they would not listen in their fear. And he entered the Avalons and appealed to the new Gods of Order who replaced the dead ones, but they too feared the Laughing God of Chaos and did not trust him as he was a being of Chaos, and they turned him away.

In all the worlds above the firmament he found only one ally, a mighty warrior of Order named Raziel who was banished to the worlds below the firmament forever as punishment for turning away from his God. And so the two went about the worlds destroying the memories of the dead gods wherever they were found, but for every one The Laughing God of Chaos drove his sword through or Raziel consumed in fire, another rose to take its place, elaborating on and dividing from another memory. Some of them came together and became living things.

It was not until enough time passed that the sentient beings of Earth and Makai began to resemble them in body and the sentient beings of the Reikai and the Netherworld began to resemble them in spirit that a solution came to them. And so they spent the next hundred-thousand years working to their ends to eliminate the Dead Gods of Order for every age and all eras. It would come to a head in the epoch where the strength of mortal men could rival the gods.


	2. Chapter One

Yu Yu Hakusho is property of Shounen Jump. I own everything else. Fearia Cahadras belongs to Miranda (Ignacia Dolores, or whatever she calls herself nowadays), but she's not in this story anymore, so I don't actually have to say that.

Three years ago, I knew more about Yu Yu Hakusho than most people did; I had the Sensui and Chapter Black episodes down before Funimation did. However, I stopped watching after the Sensui arc was done, so I honestly don't know the specifics of the Makai Tournament and the encounter with Raizen. Sure I can look it up on wikipedia (and I have, actually) or Google it, but I still don't have enough information, and I do not want to shell out a couple hundred dollars to get the series on DVD. So, I will be making up the history of what follows the Sensui arc as I go. I will be changing things intentionally, so if you read this and think, _Wait… there's only one Spirit Detective at a time, not an organization devoted to them!_, you are right. I thought it looked cooler that way, and it is more believable than Hiei and Kurama sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. There; I said it. Nyah. You hear me, yaoi fangirls? Begone!

A note on profanity; you are going to see a relatively large amount of it in the chapters ahead, but the story is going to remain T for Teen. This is because I have watched both versions of YYH, both the English and Japanese versions, and there is a TON of swearing in the Japanese version that was cut out of the English version. However, they both have the same rating, so I feel that it is acceptable to keep the profanity in with the T for Teen rating.

* * *

**:: Wanega, Hokkaido ::  
****:: Japan ::  
****:: Tuesday, September 5****th****, 2006 ::  
****:: 3:00 AM ::**

Urameshi Yusuke climbed up the fire-escape ladder as fast as he could. A demon that looked like a cross between a skeleton and a wolf in tattered robes was ahead of him on the ladder and pulling further away from him. The Spirit Detective shot a quick ki-blast at his quarry but the demon dodged it by a fraction of an inch. It reached the roof and bolted. Yusuke followed three seconds later, but when he got there, the demon was nowhere to be seen. The full moon illuminated the dark city, but he couldn't see any trace of the demon.

"Damn it all to Hell…" he growled before pulling out and speaking into a device like a cell-phone, "Botan, I lost visual. Give me an update."

Botan sat on her oar a thousand feet in the air. She was invisible to the humans below, but the Spirit Detective and his allies could see her. Botan looked through a pair of binoculars and replied into an earphone, "He's two blocks over to the north. Hiei's closest, Kuwabara is on the building to your right. Kurama is still dealing with the other one."

"It's late at night, we don't want to wake up too many people, and we want the punk alive. First three plans are dead in the water… let's go for the Nintendo option. Hiei; it's Yusuke. Get him over to Kuwabara. Kuwabara; when Hiei gets him to your position, do what you can to send him flying." Yusuke commanded, "I'm gonna Duck Hunt the little bastard."

Hiei grunted and Kuwabara gave an okay. Yusuke saw a flash of light reflected off some steel two blocks to the north, and that cued him in to begin focusing the energy into his gun-hand.

Hiei had drawn his sword and rushed the demon, forcing him backwards. The demon's arms glowed red and energy bucklers appeared on his wrist, blocking every swing of the fire apparition's sword. Even though it held its own, his onslaught was unrelenting and the demon backed away. When it came to the ledge it flitted over the narrow street between buildings and landed on the building to Yusuke's right.

Kuwabara ignited a Spirit Sword in each hand and caught the demon's attention as Hiei sheathed his sword and dropped to the street. While lacking Hiei's finesse and speed, the human drew on brute strength and began overwhelming the demon. Each slash came down and showered the roof with sparks, pushing it back towards Yusuke's building. It snarled and tried to take the offensive once, but Kuwabara went for an opening and smashed its jaw with a kick. He dissolved one of the swords, put both hands on the other, and then swung it at the demon from below as he yelled, "PULL!"

It blocked with the bucklers, but it went flying into the air. Yusuke yelled "Spirit Gun!" and launched it, striking the demon from below and behind and knocking it unconscious.

Kuwabara flipped open a communication device like Hiei's and asked, "You got that, shrimp?"

Hiei spoke into a device of his own, "Yes, Fat Albert. I have it." He pocketed the device and stepped into the demon's shadow. The Jagan on his forehead glowed a blue-violet and he held his hands over his head. The demon slowed as it fell and Hiei caught it before it hit the ground.

Yusuke climbed down to the street, Botan descended, and Kuwabara jumped into an alleyway. They converged on Hiei's position. Yusuke looked at the unconscious demon as it moaned and he lit a cigarette. He said, "Take it from me; **that** is why you should stay in school."

"Kurama?" Hiei asked.

"Hang on…" Botan said as she touched the earphone. "Kurama? Status report."

The sound of glass shattering came over the receiver. Kurama responded shortly thereafter, "Hinageshi has a slight concussion. I've got a couple leach seeds on it, and it should be down in the next few seconds. The subway is headed towards you and if your signal's right, the exit is about five blocks east of you. I'll be there in five minutes."

"Gotcha," Botan said and clicked another button on the earphone. "He's on his way." She clicked another button on the phone and reported, "Koenma; we have them both in custody. Hinageshi got a little banged up but she'll be alright. They'll be here in five minutes. Open the portal on our current location?"

"Everything go right where you are?" Koenma asked.

"Bingo."

"Alright then. The portal will open in three minutes. Be ready to get on the move again when you finish writing out your reports; I'm looking over your next assignment."

Botan closed the communication device and leaned against the alley wall. The portal opened three minutes later and Kuwabara, Yusuke, and Hiei walked through with the demon in tow. Botan waited a few more minutes before hearing footsteps. Kurama walked around the corner, leading a distraught Hinageshi by the hand and carrying the second demon over his shoulder.

Botan knelt down next to Hinageshi and asked, "Are you alright?"

"Just a bump, it'll be better soon."

"The demon tried to grab her, but the train went around a curve and she didn't go immaterial soon enough. She was slammed into the window. It was just a minor concussion; I drained its spirit energy and knocked it out on one of the hand-rails."

"Alright," Botan began, "Be sure to include that in your Type-A's. Koenma says he has another mission waiting for us when we file them."

"Hello to you too," Hinageshi remarked sarcastically.

Botan rolled her eyes and replied, "Yeah, I love you too, little sister. Let's get going."

They entered the portal, and it closed behind them.

The Reikai had been given a major shakedown in the last two years. Emperor Enma was found out on corruption and treason charges and placed in jail to await trial. Koenma was placed as the acting Emperor until Enma was either executed or acquitted, where a new branch of government would ratify his place as the new Emperor, select a new one, or reinstate Enma. The armed forces of the Reikai were given a much-needed reorganization. The Spirit Detective branch had been returned to normal detective work. An army was established to take care of situations needing military action as opposed to sending in the Persons of Mass Destruction that had been the Spirit Detectives. This was needed now more than ever; the Makai had become increasingly unified under its new ruler.

The Spirit Detective Branch once had over twenty Spirit Detectives, but in the recent century only one was appointed at a time. With the rise in demon activity in the last two years, Koenma began filling up the ranks again. Following an expulsion from school, Yusuke was made into a full-time Spirit Detective. Hiei and Kurama were considered off probation and were drafted, also becoming Spirit Detectives. Kuwabara worked part-time as a Spirit Detective, as he still had a family life on Earth and was continuing his schooling. Much to Yusuke's loathing, Kuwabara was doing pretty damned good at it. Botan and Hinageshi were transferred from reaper duties to reconnaissance/field agents. Many other divisions to the Spirit Detective Branch were established; one for each country on Earth, and the six-man Urameshi team was the Japanese division.

Until a permanent solution to the Enma situation had been settled upon, Koenma doubled as the active ruler of the Reikai and personally oversaw the Spirit Detective branch. If Enma were executed or removed from office, Koenma would permanently become the leader of the Reikai and a new leader for the Spirit Detectives would have to be found. If Enma were reinstated or the new branch of government elected a new leader to the rank of Emperor, then Koenma would return as the active leader of the Spirit Detectives full-time. The Reikai was in a pinch for management, so in addition to heading the Spirit Detectives, he also directly oversaw the Japanese division. For the time being, there was an increase in demonic activity across the Makai and Earth, and he was spreading his sources thin. The detectives were going from one case to the other without more than a few hours of rest.

Now that he was the acting ruler of the Reikai, Koenma had taken on his adult form for the foreseeable future. After George's insistence, he stopped using a pacifier to recharge the Mafukaan spell and instead wore a ring to fulfill the same function.

* * *

**:: Koenma's Office::  
****:: The Reikai ::  
****:: September 5****th****, 2006 ::  
****:: 2:30 PM ::**

Koenma's office was different from two years ago. Whereas it was once neon yellow and purple, it was now beige with various objects hanging from the walls. His favorite was a photograph of himself posing with Elvis Presley and Bill Clinton. Rather than having a computer screen in front of the wall, a television screen was inserted into the wall itself, controlled by a panel on his desk. The desk was a dark mahogany. Koenma was where he was expected to be; behind his desk. He had just finished stamping his seal on several documents regarding policies on the Makai and was reviewing the ghost files for Team Urameshi's next assignment. He had been reviewing the files for fifteen minutes when a buzzer rang on his desk. He pressed a button on the intercom and asked, "Yes, Mrs. Peterson?"

"Botan and Hinageshi are here with the Spirit Detectives."

"Good. Send them in." He ordered.

The door creaked open and the six walked in. Koenma rearranged the documents on his desk as they sat down. He spoke, "I hope you have had a chance to get some sleep; we're going right into the next assignment. You have been debriefed on last night's assignment and everything has been written down on paper. Instead of asking you how everything went, I'll just read the report when my secretary cleans it all up and types it out legibly."

"Super." Yusuke said.

"Indeed it is. I get to drink hot cocoa and sit on my sofa in my underwear while I read them. Sometimes I have the radio on. It is, indeed, quite super."

Botan blinked, "That was more information than we needed, Lord Koenma."

"Ewwwwwwww…" Kuwabara said.

"Now, sit down and shut up while I talk. The less you talk, the quicker you can get out of here…" Koenma began, "This mission, should you choose to accept it, will be potentially dangerous and definitely time-consuming. We are experiencing a global phenomenon, and as of right now, all the other Spirit Detective Branches are dealing with similar scenarios. Every now and then, an anomaly will appear somewhere in the world. Some low-level spirit enters the Human World, assumes a human shape, takes on false memories, and walks around convinced that it is really a person. It's normal, and we fix the problem. It is rare, but it happens nonetheless.

"Right now, however, these anomalies – we call them Shinentai for lack of a better word – are appearing all over the world. Unlike the normal Shinentai, we have no record of their spirits. It is as if they appeared out of nowhere. Oddly enough, history seems to have revised itself to accommodate them. We noticed the anomalies in the first place because the ghosts archiving the files noticed some files were appearing that didn't exist before; they were legitimate, but they shouldn't have belonged. We are counting upwards of a million at this moment, and the number is going up every second.

"Many of them are like the normal Shinentai – weak, low-powered, and harmless with no past, and most of them have taken on the form of natural or inanimate features. One Shinentai became a river in Kazakhstan and another one thought it was a baseball diamond in a corn field somewhere in Iowa. We caught that one early on. Some of the humanoid Shinentai are as powerful as a normal soldier of the Spirit World. However, some of them are as strong as you. One of them is a many times more powerful than you. Two of these powerful Shinentai have appeared in Japan, and I am assigning you to hunt them down; I want them captured, if at all possible. Turn around; I am putting their information up on the television screen.

They turned around and watched as the screen flickered to life. A picture of a girl appeared on the screen, and some statistics appeared next to her. She had the ears and tail of a fox, both of them red with white tips. Her hair was also red, coming down to the middle of her back. Her eyes were a bright green, and she wore a olive-green coat, brown breeches, and white Nike sneakers. Lastly, she had a third eye on her forehead.

"First one; Noreen Firestarter. She is a mix between a bunch of different demon species, including fire, ice, angel, elf, thunder, fox, wolf, and a bunch of others I won't go into. However, she only displays the fire and fox parts, which gives her something comparable to Hiei's speed, most of Kurama's fox abilities, and strength and height just under Hiei's. Her history is not important; it's false anyway. All you need to know is that she thinks she's about 140 years old, and she can be a real bitch when provoked. The fake record says that she has a Jagan, and that we have picked her up five times in that many years for stealing from the Reikai. Personality-wise, she's Hiei with estrogen."

"You and the foxgirl would fit together well, squirt. Just like you and Shaan'dras!" Kuwabara mocked.

"I am eighteen. I only date younger women." Hiei replied, "And leave Shaan'dras out of this."

"Guys!" Hinageshi interrupted.

"Second target," Koenma began, "Venia Gelugladius…"

Yusuke snorted, and when Koenma glared at him, Yusuke laughed, "Nice name."

"It should be. It's Latin; Gelugladius means Sword of Winter. Remember the Shinentai who I said was many times more powerful than you?"

"Yeah?"

"This is him."

Yusuke was silent for several seconds before saying, "… ah."

"His exact age is unknown, but the fake file says that he used to be a Shadow Detective for the Spirit World, and he wrote the book on god-moding. The Christian Bible mentions an angel descending from Heaven and wiping out somewhere around 165,000 Assyrian troops in one night. The notes here say, 'That was him.' That would attest to his skill."

"There is no picture of him?" Botan asked.

"He was black-ops for twelve-thousands years. Nobody takes pictures of a Shadow Detective. He killed anyone who did outright." Koenma explained, "The only information we actually have on him is that he never failed a mission – no record of what missions he performed – he doesn't need spirit energy to perform his duties, he was trained in swordsmanship, and that he is one of the Nephilim – half-angel, half demon. We can assume that the demon is ice apparition from his name. So, he most likely will have wings of some kind. Lastly, he was supposedly killed in action five thousand years ago, but when has being killed really stopped anyone?

"Because they don't belong in this or any other world, they stick out like sore thumbs. Noreen might be fast and skilled in combat, but she could not hide her spirit energy if her life depended on it. Gelugladius can control his spirit energy to a T, but as an anomaly, he has a different signature that not even he can hide. We are tracking them even as we speak, and when you teleport in, you will be right on top of them.

"Okay, the specifics…" Koenma pressed a button, and the screen turned off. They turned around and looked at him. "Last time I checked the satellite feed, Gelugladius was a few miles outside of Tokyo, lingering somewhere around Genkai's old dojo. Noreen was in the woods, near Osaka. I am breaking you up into teams to do this.

"Excuse me, Koenma?" Kurama asked, "You just said that Gelugladius is a hundred times more powerful than Yusuke. Don't you think it is a little foolhardy to only send two of us after him? At the very least, it may be more advisable for all four of us to capture Noreen Firestarter first, cut a deal with her, and use her with all four of us in cooperation with the army."

"… No, Kurama. NO. When has the army ever done anything except get in the way of the professionals when the job needs to be done? No army. Enlisting the aid of Noreen is out of the question – we are not even sure what she or any other one of these 'Shinentai' really are. This isn't like the old days, when I could just ask a prisoner like you or Hiei to do some community service to work off your sentences. I am not breaching protocol again." Koenma explained, "However, I do see the wisdom in your words. Au contraire, no one developed the ability to harness Spirit Energy as we have until three thousand years ago. That is two thousand years after Gelugladius' reported death. He has Spirit Energy and he can hide it, but he does not know how to use it. That is your advantage; get around his sword and martial arts abilities, and you have a good chance of defeating him utilizing Spirit Energy.

Koenma collected all the papers from around his desk and put them in a folder. He closed and sealed it, put it away in a drawer, and then addressed them again. "Yusuke and Kuwabara… you are the heavy-hitters here, and you use you spirit energy the most directly. You take the Gelugladius target. Hiei and Kurama; you take Noreen."

"Heh." Hiei chuckled, "Putting the dumb-ass children together without parental supervision? Shouldn't you let the adults take care of the adult business?"

Koenma blinked several times before he realized how much sarcasm was dripping from the fire apparition's mouth. He rolled his eyes, thought up the appropriate punishment, brought out the folder again, and then clicked his pen and wrote on a document. "Alright then, I see your point. We switch up the roster, and the kid gets parental supervision, Mister Urameshi, you take Mister Minamino with you to investigate Gelugladius. Mister Kuwabara, take Wise-Ass Jr. to investigate the fox girl. My secretary has your equipment and the other information you need waiting for you. You are dismissed."

Hiei sat in dead silence for several minutes. After Yusuke and Kurama left, Kuwabara asked, "Don't you love how I outrank you?"

_To be continued…

* * *

_

This chapter came out a little bit clunky, I think. I will try to tighten it up later.

I hope to finish another chapter before the year ends, but life has a way of screwing me over, so I ask you to not hold me to my word, please.

Best/Dan

**EDIT: December 27, 2007** – Originally, I had brought back Miranda's character Cahadras. However, in one scene in the next chapter, she demanded that I either change the name of one of her attacks, or I don't use her. I wouldn't have minded changing the name, but it was the way she asked it. I yanked her for that reason/ In any case, it's not really a problem at all – she doesn't play too big a role in the story, and I was including her only because she'd been part of the original story. But, yeah. If you see any instances where I accidentally left Cahadras' name in, let me know and I'll fix it.

By the way, Jessy – if you're reading this, I need you to reply to my email.

Best/Dan


	3. Chapter Two

I put this chapter down, picked it up, and put it down again many times over the last year. I knew what I wanted to have happen. I just couldn't bring myself around to doing it. Then I got various ideas for jokes to go into the chapter, and I put them all into the chapter at various points in time. The most difficult part was linking them all together. And I have to say, Miranda, that if you want to disown me as a friend after reading this chapter, I will not blame you.

One last note – keep in mind that it's been two years since you last saw these characters at the end of the anime. They haven't exactly stayed the same in those two years.

* * *

**:: Outside Osaka ::  
****:: Earth ::  
****:: September 5th 2006 ::  
****:: 3:00 PM ::**

Kuwabara and Hiei appeared in a pine-tree forest in a quick flash of blue light. The skies were partly overcast and the ground was covered in pine needles. They looked around for a few seconds and oriented themselves.

"Isn't this about where Keiko whipped all our asses in a paintball-fight?" Kuwabara asked.

Hiei scowled at the memory. "It is."

"Good times, good times." Kuwabara mused, "Then we had a mission in America to take care of four demons living together in suburbia, and we had to act like foreign exchange students so we could infiltrate the school they were going to and then arrest them. I miss those missions. I also miss seeing new exchange students show up every other day at junior high school. They were always demons, had demonic histories, or something like that, and we just had to report it to Koenma and we'd have some kind of light-hearted adventure and either you or Kurama would have some short fling with them. Remember Mary-Sue?"

Another quick flash of light followed. Neither Spirit Detective noticed it.

"Don't remind me about Mary-Sue!" Hiei growled, "I was possessed by a thirteen-year-old from another dimension when she came along!"

"Keyasha?" Kuwabara asked.

"A fourteen-year-old from another dimension possessed me."

"Your demented mercenary?"

"I think I was possessed by a twelve-year-old from another dimension who possessed me that time."

"Kakura?"

"No, she was after Kurama, who was possessed by a thirteen-year-old from another dimension."

"Oh yeah. Hikari?"

"Another thirteen-year-old possessed me."

"Koonami?"

"Been too long, I don't remember. It was another girl from another dimension controlling my mind; that much I know."

"Windy Ren?"

"Windy Ren had nothing to do with me. She just kicked ass for a while before moving on to some art site on the internet."

"Shaan'dras?"

"That was actually a fifteen-year-old boy from New York who was writing fan fictions in another dimension who threw Shaan'dras in because he was friends with Shaan'dras' creator, Miranda, who also controlled my mind into dating her the first time. Now stop bringing up all the times someone from another dimension freaked around with my head."

Kuwabara sighed and put his hands behind his head. "I miss those days."

"Hn." Hiei cracked his knuckles and punched his fist into his palm. "Now let's get something straight, 'boss.' You may have a clean record and you may outrank me, but I can still whip your ass seven ways to Sunday, twelve if we go to Monday, so stay out of my way and keep your mouth shut before I rip your tongue out and feed it to you. And if you continue to annoy me, I'll rip out your gall bladder and feed it to you. If that doesn't work, then I'll feed you your squeedlyspooch. Failing at that, you will next be made to devour your prostate, which I, of course, will rip out of you. Wearing gloves, naturally."

"No you won't." Hinageshi said. Hiei and Kuwabara jumped startled.

"How long have you been there?" Kuwabara asked in a shaken voice.

"When in seven hells did you…?" Hiei began, considered that Kuwabara had already beaten him to the punch, and said, "What Cthulhu said."

"Long enough." Hinageshi answered. "And I liked Hikari. She was cute."

Hiei growled at this and threatened both of them. "If you two do not stop talking about various girlfriends I had when I may or may not have had my own free will, I will make sure your bodies will never be found."

Hinageshi scratched under her chin and threatened back, "And then when our souls are in the Spirit World, I will have George taser you while we get new bodies."

"You are not serious." Hiei blanched.

"She _is_, actually." Kuwabara answered. This elicited an angry 'hn' from the fire apparition. Hinageshi pulled out a small mirror from her pocket and tapped it with her finger. Lights flashed inside and after a minute of fussing she pointed west. "The tracker has her east of us about half a mile. Let's get going, and let's try to keep it quiet."

They walked for a short time before Hinageshi stopped in her tracks and stared at the tracker. "She's coming this way. Very, very fast."

"How fast?" Hiei asked.

Kuwabara tackled Hiei and Hinageshi to the ground. A searing disk of fire, white-hot, flew over their heads and cut through the trunks of two trees before dissipating. Kuwabara, the most spiritually-aware of them all, replied, "_That_ fast"

They rose to their feet again and looked in the direction the attack came from. Standing behind a tree was a small woman, under five feet, wearing green clothes with red hair and fox attributes. She matched the picture of Noreen they saw in Koenma's briefing. "I am Noreen Firestarter. Tell me where I am and leave and you will be spared; challenge me and you will be destroyed."

"Cocky. I like her already." Hiei smirked.

"Because she looks and sounds almost exactly like Shaan'dras?" Hinageshi smiled sadistically.

Hiei glared at the ferry girl and said, "That has nothing to do with this."

Kuwabara addressed Noreen; "I got the impression that we were supposed to go easy on you, and you're a girl, so chivalry lends itself to that, but you can't go throwing white-hot things of fire at people! That's not only rude; that's dangerous! How else would we still be alive if not for the awesome might of. . ." Kuwabara tied his headband around his forehead in a heartbeat and struck a dramatic pose. "KUWABARA THE IMPALER!"

"Kuwabara the Impaler?" Hinageshi asked Hiei.

Hiei replied, "It's a long story involving Urameshi Yusuke, Youtube, and three flash grenades."

"Ah," she assented.

"I don't care what epithet you give yourself, you boisterous human. It was only by a hair's width that you dodged my attack, and that was with so long of a warning that you had time." Noreen growled, "Tell me where I am, how I can return to where I was, and since you seem to know, how you knew I would be here, or I'll take off your head with my next Amaterasu Disc."

Hinageshi stepped forward, "Hello, I'm Hinageshi. You're on Earth, and wherever you remember yourself being, you can't return there. As much as we can tell, you've been dead for a long time, and you've come back as a kind of ghost since you couldn't find rest in the afterlife. We work for the afterlife – we call it the Spirit World – and we were sent here to bring you back where you belong; the afterlife. If you come with us, then everything will make sense to you."

Noreen stood still for a while as she ingested everything she took in. Hiei's hand slid to the hilt of his sword and Kuwabara started to concentrate spirit energy into his right hand. Noreen looked up at the ferry girl. "I don't believe you. Banjo has tried something like this before, trapping me in a dream and trying to convince me it was real. I'm not going to fall for it again. Last time all I had to do was kill one of the people in the dream to break the illusion, and I'm betting that's all I have to do here. Prepare to die!"

Noreen sprang forward with her sword unsheathed. Hiei rushed in front of the ferry girl and blocked the stroke with his own sword. Kuwabara, a second behind him, swung at her with his Spirit Sword. Noreen leapt back from the melee in time to dodge the sword and Hinageshi backed away from the fighting. Seeing her separated from her comrades, Noreen swung her sword at her direction and from it fired another white-hot disc. Hiei intercepted the blow with his right arm, which gushed with the dragon's black flames to deflect it.

Kuwabara pointed his Spirit Sword at Noreen and demanded of her; "Leave the defenseless out of this and fight us with the swords!"

Noreen looked at them both for a moment. She then looked behind her and ripped off her bandana to expose her own Jagan eye. It flashed, she smiled, and looked back at the others. "My Jagan Eye tells me that there's a whole city chock-full of people just over that way. Suddenly I don't need you three here anymore since there are a couple million people over that way. Try to stop me if you can!" Her bandana was back on in a flash and she sped off in the direction of the city.

Hiei cursed under his breath and sped off after her. She was marginally faster than him, so he threw fireballs at her to slow her down enough for him to catch up. From there they engaged in a running swordfight. Hinageshi quickly materialized her oar and took flight after both of them. Kuwabara, however, not much faster than a normal human, had to sprint after them and could only engage in the fight whenever Hiei had slowed Noreen down enough for him to catch up.

* * *

**:: Osaka ::  
****:: Earth ::  
****:: September 5th 2006 ::  
****:: 3:45 PM ::**

Mr. Watsuki was walking to the subway station after a day's work in the office. He was dressed in a three-piece suit and carried a briefcase at his side. The briefcase did not stay in his grip for long; a strong wind passed him by and blew it out of his hand. A girl with red hair ran on by him at breakneck speeds, and a flaming black dragon roared after her. A short man with black hair ran by him as fast as the girl. Another girl, flying overhead on an oar, screamed "DON'T MAKE A SCENE OUT OF THIS!" and passed him by. The dragon vanished into thin air. A man with bright orange hair and what he thought to be a flaming sword ran after them yelling, "WAIT FOR ME!"

"Huh," Mr. Watsuki said. He calmly walked after his briefcase, dusted it off, and proceeded to the subway station. He didn't care about the dragon, the two girls, or the two men. After all, this was Japan, and what he just saw paled in comparison to Godzilla's last rampage back in 2004.

Kuwabara started to lag behind, and when the fight went up a fire-escape ladder and over the rooftops, he fell hopelessly behind. The fight was visible from the street, and scanning around, Kuwabara saw a taxi pulled up to the curb not too far from him. He dashed for it and jumped inside the open back door. Kuwabara pointed to the retreating figures above him and commanded, "Follow those people on the roofs!"

The taxi driver blew the smoke from his cigarette out the window. "Sure!" He said. "You got money?"

Kuwabara cursed loudly and exited the cab, running in the direction the others had sped off to. The driver called out after him, "Have a nice day!"

Kuwabara eventually lost track of the two demons and ferry girl on the rooftops. By now they had pulled ahead so far that he could no longer sense their energy signatures. Hinageshi was almost on top of the two fighters, but in her attempt to focus on the fight itself she also left Kuwabara behind. This left Kuwabara to run in the direction he last saw everyone going. He ran for at least five miles and was having a tough time going, but he was determined not to stop until he found them. He was watching Pokemon episodes in his head to keep himself occupied as he ran.

"Pikachu! I choose you!" He mumbled under his breath. "Oh no, Pikachu! Hah-hah! Now at last we've stolen your Pikachu! Meowth! The boss is gonna love hearin' this, and maybe he'll promote me and fire that Persian! Not so fast, Team Rocket! What's this? This light! This must be the power of love! Episode cancelled in America! Oh no, they got back Pikachu! Come on, Pikachu, let's get out of here! Chu, Pika Pikachu! What's this? Your Piplup has evolved into Prinplup! Prinplup learned the attack _Metal Claw_! But, I have _flippers_."

The populace in any other country would have found the sprinting maniac's ranting scary, but this was Japan, and twenty girls with cat-ear hats were walking down the same street and Hello Kitty was plastered on three of the billboards. Godzilla lurked in the deep and ninjas were fighting time-traveling teenagers on top of a replica of the Eiffel Tower. This was Japan; nobody cared. Kuwabara ran this way, mumbling Pokemon nonsense as he went the entire time until a store caught his eye. It was a sports and games store. Realizing that a Spirit Sword was not suited for urban combat and it would make him stand out like a sore thumb, even more so than he already did, he ran inside, and five seconds later, ran out with a baseball bat. The store's manager chased him outside.

He yelled, "You've gotta pay for that!" as he threw baseballs after him. He missed every time, and one of the baseballs hit a teenage mutant ninja turtle on the head as it started to climb out of the sewers. Defeated, it fell back down into the dark abyss of the sewage system.

"I'll pay you back later!" Kuwabara lied.

* * *

**:: About the same time ::  
****:: Two miles away ::  
:: Probably North ::**

Dashing along the rooftops, Hiei and the shinentai exchanged sword blows and insults in stride. Hiei swung at Noreen' torso and said: "My name is Jaganshi Hiei! You stole my catchphrase! Prepare to die!"

Noreen slowed down enough to let the blade pass in front of her. Along with a stab at the ribs, she attacked back with an insult of her own. "If that's a catchphrase, then you must have been alive during the time of the cavemen if you have to catchphrase a grunt!"

"And if you stole the grunt of a caveman, you must have a special fondness for cavemen!" Hiei parried the blow and replied with a stab of his own. Hinageshi, meanwhile, hovered over them on her oar. The two combatants had slowed down enough in concentrating on fighting to allow her to keep up with ease. All she could do at this point was keep an eye on them and be at the ready in case Hiei requested help. She then heard a voice over her headset. "Marco!"

"What the?" she asked aloud. She looked around her and didn't see anyone again.

"Marco!" She heard it again. This time she recognized the voice as Kuwabara's. She clicked a button on her headset and replied in kind, "Polo!"

"Hinageshi! I'm finally in range again!" Kuwabara said, "Where are you? I can feel the Demon Energy up ahead, but I can't see you on top of all the buildings."

Hinageshi kept an ear and eye open on the fight down below. Hiei locked swords with Noreen and bore a sadistic glare into her eyes. He began to say, "You know, you seem to be some kind of clone of one of my old girlfriends, and I just have to ask . . ." At that point. Hinageshi put her attention back to Kuwabara. "Well, Hiei and Noreen are having a running fight, but they're slowing down because they're putting more emphasis on verbally assaulting each other than moving. I'll direct you to where we are when they stop running."

Noreen gasped and flinched. Hiei grasped her blade in his left hand, yanked her off-balance, and then kicked her in the chest. She was sent reeling back and Hiei threw the sword over the edge of the building. "So, the rumors WERE true!" He laughed and rushed at her again. Weaponless, Noreen leapt aside and pulled a small white flower from her hair.

"Lily Lash!" She yelled and snapped her wrist. The flower in hand morphed into a long whip of knotted vines and gave out a loud crack as it smacked the roof. "How would _you_ know, and what rumors, pray-tell, were true?" She demanded.

Hiei put both his hands on the sword again and his third eye opened. "That's between me, God, and a fifteen-year-old from New York. And that is a derivative copy of a Rose Whip if I ever saw one."

Noreen lashed at him with the flower and Hiei dodged it. She let loose with a thousand strokes of the whip and Hiei jumped and ran between or hacked away at each one. A moment after that, they both stopped moving. Hiei stood two feet in front of her. Noreen smirked. Her sword was sticking out of his stomach and through his back.

"When the Hell did you get the sword back?" Hiei asked.

Noreen replied: "You looked down from my eyes for a moment. I snagged the sword from the alley with my lash when you did that."

"Nice." Hiei replied. A blink of the eye later, his sword was in her stomach, sticking out through the back. "I couldn't help but notice you did the same thing just then."

Both of them fell to the ground at the same time. They didn't stay down for long because they both were pretty used to getting impaled over the years, but there was still that momentary sharp pain that prohibited them from doing anything.

"Ow…" Hiei moaned.

"Argh…" Noreen said in kind.

"I'm going to do you in for that," Hiei threatened as he rolled over onto his side.

"Son of a bitch…" Noreen turned over onto her shoulder.

"You little bastard…" Hiei rolled over onto his knees.

"When this is over, I'm making your skull into a coffee mug." Noreen threatened, slowly rising to her feet. "Then I'm going to show it off to all my friends, if I ever get any, and then I'm going to tell them, 'This is Hiei, the man who thought he beat Noreen.' Then I'll take little sips out the mug, and just to piss you off for all eternity, I'm going to paint it pink and put glitter all over it. How do you like the sound of that, idiot?"

"Hn…" Hiei also slowly rose to his feet.

"That is my word!" Noreen glared at him, territorial.

"I thought it was a _caveman's_ word!" Hiei gripped his sword tightly.

The two had at each other once again. They fought slower now but were still too fast for normal people to keep up with. Their breathing was labored and they both found it more and more difficult to function. Thankfully for Hiei, they were fighting in front of the elevator door. The elevator let out a loud beep and opened. Kuwabara stood in the doorway, talking into his headset. "-so the bear says, 'I don't think you came here to hunt.' Hah! Oh, wait, I'm here now. Yeah they're still fighting. Thanks for the directions, Hinageshi." Kuwabara clicked off the microphone and patted the baseball bat in his hands.

CLUNK!

Noreen fell to the ground with a large lump on her head. As Hiei looked on, stupefied, Kuwabara tucked the bat through a belt-loop in his jeans and let it dangle to his side. Hiei just stared at Kuwabara, the unconscious fire-fox, and the baseball bat for a long time. He finally pointed at Kuwabara, huffing and puffing, and demanded, "Wake her up. We're not finished yet."

"I say thee nay, my short-stacked friend with the obscenely pointy hair." Kuwabara pointed to the sky. He spoke with a dramatic voice and his teeth, my god, the teeth! The teeth shone with a brilliant white light. "I claim this land for the Spain! And by I, I mean an arrest warrant, and by this land, I mean this woman, and by the Spain, I mean a high-security prison somewhere in the Spirit World."

"In other words," Hinageshi swooped down from above, "We got we came here for, and now we're out of here." She then tapped a button on her head-set and waited for several seconds before speaking. "Lord Koenma, sir, we have Noreen in custody. George? What are you doing answering Koenma's phone? Put Koenma on. He's in the bathroom? How long is he going to be gone? Really? Well that's just silly. Yes, we need an evac. See the little red button? Push the little red button. Okay, we'll see you shortly." She tapped the same button on the head-set and looked at the two detectives, both of whom had been glaring at each other the entire time she was talking. "The portal will open in a minute or three, and for the love of God, just settle it already!"

"Gladly!" Hiei yelled. The two men threw their hands out at the same time and chanted. "Bubble-gum bubble-gum in a dish! How many pieces do you wish?" They fought in this way for two and a half minutes until the portal opened up. As it stood, they were officially tied, with one match in dispute between them. Seeing the portal open, Kuwabara picked up the unconscious fox-girl and hung her over his shoulders. They then passed through the portal and it closed behind them.

* * *

**:: The Spirit World ::  
****:: September 5****th****, 2006 ::  
****:: 5:30 PM ::**

After dropping Noreen off in a holding area, Hiei, Kuwabara, and Hinageshi sat down in a large beige room. This room was the place where all portals to all the worlds came and went to the Spirit World, and while they waited for Kurama, Botan and Yusuke to bring back Gelugladius through this room, they sat in chairs and filled out mission summaries on clipboards. It was tedious, but as the hours dragged on, they got through most of the questions and talked to pass time.

"-so, the bear says, 'I don't think you came here to hunt!" Kuwabara followed through on a joke. Hinageshi laughed, but Hiei's face remained blank.

"Do you have to say that joke every forty-five minutes?" Hiei asked.

"You know? I do." Kuwabara replied.

"That cracks me up every time." Hinageshi wiped a tear away from her eyes. "So, what did you and Noreen argue about?"

Hiei held up his clipboard for just long enough to see that he was writing what could have been a novella in its own right. "It's in the report."

"Portal opening in thirty seconds," a voice spoke out from over the loudspeakers, "Four targets incoming from Dojo Genkai."

"Oh, that's them," Hinageshi stated. They all finished whatever sentence they were writing and waited for a portal to open. Before long, a blue form swirled in the middle of the room and eventually formed into a powerful vortex. Yusuke was the first to step through it and out into the room.

"Urameshi!" Kuwabara smiled. "How're you?"

Kurama stepped through the portal next. He was carrying a body in Yusuke's clothes, but its head was missing. Next came Botan, holding the decapitated head at arm's length by the hair. Nobody said a word or moved a muscle when they recognized the face as Yusuke's.

Yusuke looked at his body and then his head. He wasn't completely solid and the light passed through him. He scratched his spirit-head and said, "Dead again, actually."

_To be continued.

* * *

_

Author's notes: What can I say? The chapter was supposed to be about three people fighting, but I couldn't just write a ten-page fight scene. Well, I could, and I did much worse in the past (I did a hundred-fifty-page fight scene once. My older readers can tell you about it.), and it was boring. In trying to speed the chapter up, I found that it was insanely fun writing the two of them bantering. It's kind of a throwback to my old stories, when Cahadras as one of the major characters in everything I did, and they did nothing but argue whenever they were within a mile of each other. I apologize if the characters don't sound like they do in the show, but again, in the story, the end of the show was two years ago, they haven't stayed the same since then, and the jokes kind of came first.

**EDIT: December 27, 2007** – Why did Miranda demand Cahadras be pulled out? Of all reasons, she didn't like the name "Lily Lash" for an attack. She said that everyone thought they were pink, and she didn't want to have Cahadras use a pink flower. I told her they were white, and of all things, FUNERAL flowers, but she told me that I could either use Cahadras or the lilies, not both. When you talk to an author like that, you do more than make a request – you make a demand, and you do it rudely. Even if it is your character, that is not how you treat the author. "Could you please change the attack name?" That I would have accepted, and I would have changed the name. "Change the Lily Lash or you can't use Cahadras." I could not. She got yanked. For those who care, her dialogue has been mostly left unchanged – you can find that personality in a thousand stories on this site, so she doesn't have a right to ask me to demand I change the dialogue as well. The only change was the name and her appearance; Cahadras had blue hair with silver tips on her ears and tail, red eyes, a Jagan, a long black coat, and a gold necklace with blue gems resembling a flame in it. I decided to make her more of the standard fox demon and give her red hair and green eyes.

Best/Dan


End file.
